Football Season Sprung to Life This Week! So what better time for…

The Complex Problem: How to curtail the amount of and terrible consequences of football related injuries.
I am not going to bore you with statistics. Every year produces a startling number of injuries suffered by football players at all levels…from the NFL to Peewees. Knees, feet and conclusions constitute many of these injuries. Since the last is actually life threatening, as well as life lingering, your beloved Emperor of The Universe and Surrounding Areas ounce again has…


The Simple Solution:
Knee damages and concussions can all be reduced by removing the face mask!! Once it’s detached from a helmet, the tackler will not be able to take aim at an opponent's knees…unless he is a complete idiot. You wonder why? Without that mask, shoving his face into a runner's knee will produce a very ugly broken nose. I should know...I broke my nose numerous times and had a black eye or eyes for three months. Besides, what is the mask there for? It's there to keep the player's features less damaged so they can be more physically attractive when they hit the bars! All they need are rubber teeth protectors. So! Away with the knee destroyer!

Also once the mask is removed, one has to drop the head and hit with his shoulders. Not that my era didn't get our bells rung...but not at the force one receives. After all, today's players are at least half a hundred pounds heavier than players just twenty-five years ago. And they are also faster. Without a mask, all intelligent players will aim for the thighs or the ankles.

Now, the second problem is simple; speed cannot be coached or taught. But it can be increased by making the load you carry as light as possible. Wide receivers do not wear knee pads, and most do not have thigh pads, thus they can run faster. When your bare knee is out there and the mask is coming at about 23MPH, something has got to give. Guess which?

Then there are the shoes. There isn't any ankle support, and they are so light, if they are stepped on, toes are broken, arches crushed and tiny bones fractured. Why not go back to the high tops we wore back at the dawn of the T- formation? And demand that players wear the necessary protection. Oh! Here's an idea...if they don't want to do this and they are injured in unprotected areas, pay is suspended until they are back on the field! SEE? ONCE AGAIN!!!

THE SIMPLE SOLUTION FOR A SET OF VERY COMPLEX PROBLEMS!!!

No More WAR!!! Trust Me!

The Complex Problem: Many areas of the planet which are economically essential to the industrial world are engrossed in wars. War is nothing new! After all cavemen went at each other’s throats, and all religions have slaughtered unbelievers or misguided ones, right back to the Egyptian Pharaohs.  And while we are at this, can you think of any invader who did not profess they were invading another territory to protect someone or something?

The scope of war slowly expanded, basically keeping pace with mankind’s greed. Then World Wars I and II were just too expensive and too destructive. They also were the first wars which killed the ‘wrong people’… the gentry, educated and idle wealthy. Wars after the Korean Conflict, became smaller in scope, tribal by either religious or ethnic differences, and seemingly endless. If this trend continues, we are going to spending too much money protecting the other two three letter words which spell GOD… as Oil…and Gas!  

The Simple Solution: Only males over the age of seventy years, who have achieved economic, political, or artistic status and renown, are allowed to go into battle! Drones and robots are banned, but all female or male camp followers can be any age under thirty and their services are gratis! Last all battlefields will be in empty, ecologically, and economically of no importance and must be at least 500 miles from any large urban area. 

One last point; of course every second of combat will be televised and then critiqued by both warring group’s pre-teen population. Whichever side wins, the most inept side will be beheaded right after the vote is announced. It might be interesting to have the winners perform the decapitation … also on television, but only on Pay For View!! Prices to view begin at a third of the average yearly income for the execution of each protagonist. See!!! Trust me!

I have Answers!!!

Traffic!

The Complex Problem:   TRAFFIC!!  

I live in suburban Washington DC and in the year,2012, this city achieved another gross ridicule landmark…The average commuter spends in excess of 70 hours of his or her life each year waiting! 

Listen, from birth we are all waiting:  Waiting to sit up, to crawl, to stand, to walk, run, escape, have sex, get a degree, get a job, get hooked up, get married,  have kids…you can fill in some blanks…the last wait is to sit in a Lazy Boy drool a little and wait to die! Okay it’s part of The Process…but we do not have to add waiting while sitting in a car at a red light or stalled on a (ha ha) Freeway!

Artistic Sidelight… Why is it you can’t drive on a Driveway or park on a Parkway? Oh well…

 The problem is complicated here because Virginia will not spend any money improving roads leading to the capitol.  And why should they? Sooner or later when conditions reach insane anger and folks get out of their cars and being shooting the guy in front of them, the US Government gives Virginia money to widen, build a new road and … Enough! This never ends!

Artistic Sidelight: I just read in the Washington Post that 74% of all DC workers do not live in DC! Yet every morning I see thousands of cars, with just one occupant zeroing in on it.

The Simple Solution: 

 First:  End all free parking for everyone including the Congress, Supreme Court and White house! Parking here runs $20 to 30 a day! Fifty weeks at $125.00 a week adds up to $6,250.00 per year!

Second: Anyone who crosses from one political entity into another must pay a yearly commuter tax unless all seats in their car are occupied! Make the tax $5,000.00 per vacant seat!

Third: Parking infractions within the city limits begin at $250.00 and quadruple up to four. Then your vehicle is impounded and you can’t get it back unless you bid on it at a public auction!

Last: Increase public transportation so that we have adequate buses, trains and street cars. Also this will cost the user $10.00 a week! And! There will be separate trains, buses and streetcars for college grads, white collar, non phone or tablet users non smokers tobacco chewers, non messy fast food munchies and polite people who do not hog the seats! Drudge workers and impolite folks will have nice conveyances but they will be confined to them until they have better their economic and social castes. See, ain’t that The Good Old American Way? Bet your butt it is!!! Once again …I have the solution!

So you folks lucky enough not to live here…what do you think? Can’t we use this throughout this great land of ours? And OMG I almost forgot! Just think of how much air pollution is going to fall!!!  and...the oil interests can not make billions a day for artificially shifting the price of a barrel  of crude oil     

             

The Missing Piece For Middle East Peace

The Complex Problem: Achieving peace in the Middle East. Not just for Israel and Palestine, but for all the entire area. This problem has vexed the rest of the world for at least 1600 years if we consider the eight major Crusades from 1099 AD until 1291 AD. No one has been able to solve the problem of who is entitled to live where, and how long? I do not wish to delve into the intricate complications brought about by religious ignorance, ethnic hatred and geopolitical implications. So here comes the solution.

The Simple Answer: This area has the three religions which dominate Western Culture…Christianity, Islam and Judaism. Notice I have placed them in alphabetical order so there is no hint of preference or favoritism. Christians worship God, Muslims, Allah, and Jews, Jehovah. Each basic faith has many sects, but all of them maintain their basic faith in their chosen god. 

However, here comes the paradox and of course within it lies the simple solution. Allah, God and Jehovah are the SAME GOD!!! I know there are tons of you out there that refuse to accept this…so Google it! The Old Testament of our Holy Bible is the history of the Jewish people’s struggle to come to terms with Jehovah’s wrath and love. The New Testament is Christians claiming the Jewish god was too severe so He came down to earth as Jesus and softened Judaism…oh yeah He also said we could get some rewards before the world came to an end, where the Jews have to wait in darkness until that day…or event? 

Mohammad was fasting in a cave during Ramadan…yeah that was a shock to me... when he claimed Allah spoke to him and told him he had to revise Christianity because it was corrupt. However, he did say the Holy Book was not and had good points!  He also promised some rewards which might be more attractive to some guys, but that isn’t important we can keep them.

So, if each group is worshiping the same God, the solution is so simple I shudder when I wonder why someone hasn’t come up with it before me! Look, all we have to do is have some important big wig go to each and proclaim we are all Jews! Or Muslims! Or Christians! It really doesn’t matter. All we have to do is pick the one which is the most difficult to convince and declare their way is the right one. Once everyone admits it’s the same Big Guy up there in the sky looking out for everyone of us, all we have to do is adopt or rewrite The Book…and remember it was us Christians who had to do a new one. So once we got a new BOOK… poof!!! Peace! Love! and Dove! 

Just tell Mr. John Kerry, our Sec. Of State that the Beatles had it right…All we need …etc!! Once again you got to admit…I got the answer…where’s the next problem?      

Our Prejudices

The Complex Problem: The endurance of Sexism, Racism, Ethnocentrism, and Egomania in our beloved country, which generates greater and greater schisms…gaps if you prefer… in our American culture.

Artistic Interruption: If true our National Anthem should be changed to America the Beautiful.  By altering a few words in the concluding stanza, it reflects our true, feelings regarding all of the ISMS. Just change, “And Crowns thy good with brotherhood…from sea to shining sea!” to:    “And crowned thy good with brotherhood…just as long as you look like me!” The other verse endings could be, “As you think like me…vote like me… dress like me. See? Of course you do…you bigots! Now back to the simple solution to correct this.

The Simple Solution: Somewhere out in Whippy- Who, Montana construct a huge scholastic complex which all children attend…with no exceptions- from kindergarten to as far as their ability or ambition can take them…be that high school or a Ph.D.!  

 This will continue for three generations. By then all prejudges will be erased. Our hates and fears, loathing’s and despising begins at home. The Spartans understood this. At seven all males were removed from the home until they were 21! They returned dedicated to the state. We did not learn!! 

Oh! There will be separate schools for those possessing superior athletic talents which could lead to a career in any of the popular venues. Their yearly competitions will be televised on Pay TV and the income will support basic expenses! Both sexes will be honored…see…I got it!

Only the most gifted teachers will make up the facility and they will be rewarded on a CEO status. The higher the yearly test scores are, the higher their rewards! There is no tenure...  if you can’t produce, you’re gone.

 All facets of the curriculum will be presented without bias or censor. Kids are really cool when it comes to dissecting the honest from the scoundrel. And they are also colored blind, apolitical, accept sexual equality, and ignore accented speech…until their parents tell them otherwise. The parents are not here!  All electronic communication is banned. They get two single day supervised visits each year. 

Now, if wealthy, fanatical religious and all the other ISM parents do not wish to send their children, then they have two weeks to leave the USA.  Each is allowed one medium suitcase… all bank accounts, the sale of property is frozen and they may not return. See…trust me.